The Family Violence Project

Family Violence Project runs support and empowerment groups in Augusta, Waterville and Skowhegan. The groups are focused on the needs of women who want to increase their safety in a currently abusive relationship, want support as they leave an abusive relationship, or for support as they rebuild their lives after leaving an abusive partner. The newest addition to our groups grew from the desire of survivors who have successfully transitioned their lives out of abusive relationships and who consider themselves thrivers in their lives. These are heroic women who have expressed a desire to give back, to speak out, to stand up for victims who are not yet able to stand up for themselves. The writer of this month’s blog is a member of this group.

 

WHY…..WHY….WHY?

Every victim of domestic violence has heard this question. Maybe they have only heard it once or maybe a hundred times. “Why didn’t you just leave?” “Why did you not see what was going to happen?” The answer, though, is always the same “It’s just not that simple.” The truth of the matter is, even though it seems like the answer should be longer, it’s not: That is just the answer.

But while people are on the outside asking this question and trying to rationalize what has happened, the victim is on the inside of a very lonely, dark box trying to do the same. Trying to pick up the pieces that are scattered all over the ground before the wind decides to blow and scatter them everywhere.

What people need to understand is that the victim is not only asking questions themselves, but trying to formulate some type of answer to everyone else. The only problem is the words just might not be there yet.

No one can fully speak for anyone else. But for me as a survivor of domestic violence, and someone who still, three and a half years later, hears those Why questions, I will let you know that the answer to “Why” may sometimes be harder than you think.

This is Why

You ask me why I feel shame……..this is why:

I feel shame because I choose him,
I feel shame because I let him in,
I feel shame because I trusted him,
I feel shame because I believed him,
I feel shame because some people ask, “Why didn’t I get out?”

I feel shame because I cry….and this why:

The put downs were constant,
He wanted me to beg,
He made my children watch what he did,
The bruises and broken bones, there were many,
The tears and control were always there……….this is why:

He told me I was ugly, stupid, and useless,
He told me that I could not survive without him,
He made my family leave,
He got my friends not to come around me,
He beat me like a punching bag, just because he could,
He made my life a living hell……… this is why:

It is hard for me to trust anyone, including myself,
It is hard for me to believe in what I think is right,
It is hard for me to think I won’t mess up again,
It is hard to think I’ll never get over being ashamed…….this is why:

I am ashamed, because I lost my self-worth,
I am ashamed, because I don’t have faith in myself anymore,
I am ashamed most of all because I don’t always believe some people when they say “It’s not my fault”.

 

Please remember shame, guilt, and fear are very powerful emotions. They can take control and not let go for a very long time. When you feel like this, you feel completely alone, isolated and in the dark from every point of view. So next time you want to ask “why” to the victim, why not ask it to the one who caused all the pain. They should answer that question, not the person they hurt.

By A Survivor

Welcome to 2013!  Did you make a New Year's resolution to dedicate more time to helping others?  Have you always wanted to do more for your community, but didn't feel as though you had the time to do volunteer work?  If you answered yes to either of these questions, I have a great opportunity for you!  What if I told you that you could make a difference in people's lives by volunteering once a month from the comfort of your home?  Are you interested?

Family Violence Project has an ongoing need for volunteer advocates to help answer our 24-hour Helpline for those affected by domestic violence.  Are you worried that you wouldn't know what to do or say? Family Violence Project offers a free 39-hour training that prepares you for this volunteer role; also, a staff person will always be available to assist you while you are volunteering. Although successful completion of our training is required, no other experience is necessary!  This is a great opportunity to educate yourself, build your skill set, and gain valuable real-life experience.

Are you wondering what the training is all about?  Family Violence Project's training covers three topic areas: Family Violence Project, Domestic Violence and Advocacy.  Training participants will learn what it is that Family Violence Project offers for services, as well as what model we follow when doing advocacy work.  Are you not sure what advocacy work even is?  You will learn that too!  Training participants will spend time learning advocacy skills and will practice those skills through role plays.  Last but not least, training participants will receive a tremendous amount of education on domestic violence: what it is, what the dynamics are, statistics, etc.

Are you interested?  Family Violence Project's next volunteer training will be held in Waterville and will begin on March 2nd.  See below for the full schedule.

• Saturday, March 2nd:  8:30am to 3:00pm
• Monday, March 4th: 5:30pm to 8:30pm
• Monday, March 11th: 5:30pm to 8:30pm
• Monday, March 18th: 5:30pm to 8:30pm
• Monday, March 25th: 5:30pm to 8:30pm
• Monday, April 1st: 5:30pm to 8:30pm
• Saturday, April 6th: 8:30am to 3:00pm
• Monday, April 8th: 5:30pm to 8:30pm
• Monday, April 15th: 5:30pm to 8:30pm
• Monday, April 22nd: 5:30pm to 8:30pm
• Monday, April 29th: 5:30pm to 8:30pm

Anyone interested in participating in this training and volunteer opportunity must complete a volunteer interview and background checks prior to being accepted into the training.  This meeting and the background check process must be completed by February 21st.  While the training itself is free of charge, we do ask for a $25 donation from those who are financially able; this donation will help cover the cost of your background checks.  If you are unable to make this donation, this will not prohibit you from participating.

If you would like to learn more about the training or volunteer opportunity, please contact me.  I hope to hear from you!

Jaime Gradie
Family Violence Project
Co-Director of Advocacy Programs
P.O. Box 304
Augusta, ME 04332-0304
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207-623-8637 x302

By Jaime Gradie, Co-Director of Advocacy Programs

“It will take a community to end domestic violence.”

Anyone who’s received correspondence from Family Violence Project over the past few years—whether it be our newsletter, an Annual Appeal request, or a thank you card for a donation-- knows that we try to include that phrase in everything we send out. In fact, it has become something of a mantra.

Sometimes, when news of another gruesome domestic violence homicide comes to light, it gets harder and harder to believe that, despite the best intentions of survivors, advocates and community partners, we will ever see the end of this scourge.

The good news doesn’t usually make the front page: The victims who have made the transition to a life free from abuse; the ones who are working hard to assure that their children will not become future victims or abusers; the ones who’ve gone back to school and gotten jobs; the ones who are no longer afraid; the ones who have found their voices; and the ones who use those voices to speak out on behalf of victims everywhere.

But last month, in a government report made public in The New York Times, we received some hopeful news:

“From 1993 to 2010, the number of children living in households where another member had been a victim of a nonfatal violent crime decreased by 68 percent, to 2.8 million from 8.7 million, according to the report…by the Bureau of Justice Statistics. The crimes included domestic violence, rape, sexual assault and robbery.” (The New York Times, “Fewer Children Are Found Exposed to Violent Crime, “by Erica Goode, September 19, 2012).

The article went on to quote David Finkelhor, director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire, “that, in his view, the decreasing number of children exposed to violence was ‘breathtaking’ and ‘big news’.”

This “breathtaking” drop was attributed to several things, including an overall drop in violent crime over the last two decades, policing techniques and incarceration policies, but Dr. Finkelhor “said large societal changes were also likely contributors, including the growth of prevention programs that increase awareness…”

Another expert in the field, Janet Lauritsen, professor of criminology and criminal justice at the University of Missouri, cited the “increasing effectiveness of services available to victims and potential perpetrators of crimes.”

And, I would add, the number of community members who have committed themselves to the cause.

Now, we know that these numbers concern exposure to all violent crime: That would include gang violence, drug-related violent crimes, and other types of criminal actions, as well as domestic violence. Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean we’ve seen a huge drop in domestic violence in our communities. But, I find it hopeful that many people we serve are living safer lives and are doing their best to protect their children and assure that they grow up to a violence-free adulthood.

This is something that I will be giving thanks for this month. When I sit down to Thanksgiving dinner with my family, I will be thankful that my two young grandsons have the possibility of growing up to a world without domestic abuse (and you know I will do everything in my power to make sure they are part of the solution, not part of the problem). Let’s all make a pledge around our Thanksgiving tables to work toward zero tolerance for domestic violence in our communities. Let’s make peace in our homes a social norm, and domestic violence completely unacceptable. Remember back in the day, before Mothers Against Drunk Driving waged their enormously effective campaign—when driving while intoxicated was not only accepted, but, in some circles (especially among teens and college students) was actually something to brag about? Not any more: We have zero tolerance for OUI’s all over the country. Remember back before the mid-80’s, when kids weren’t buckled into car seats? When you had to stop short and your arm flew in front of the kids in the front seat to keep them from flying through the windshield? Not anymore: It’s not only the social norm to buckle kids up, it’s illegal not to.

Let’s do that with domestic violence. Yes, we have a long way to go, but I believe we can become a community with zero tolerance for abuse. To find out how to do your part, please visit our website, www.familyviolenceproject.org or call our office at 207 623-8637.

I wish you a peaceful and bountiful Thanksgiving.

Deborah Shepherd, Executive Director

It is one person choosing to abuse his or her partner; and most often, the abuse happens within the context of a current or past intimate relationship.

It is no accident that we find ourselves blaming abuse on the relationship, for abuse demands and we have provided it, the insulation of invisibility through relationship. The relationship is nothing without the individuals who are connected to one another. If one of those individuals uses violence, control, or intimidation toward the other, the relationship serves as a socially sanctioned tool used by the perpetrator to hold the victim in place. All too often, we do not look within when we see a relationship. We cease to see the individuals, effectively rendering invisible the perpetrator, victim, and the abuse.

If we can hold the relationship responsible, maybe we will not need to confront the person who is abusing. If it is the relationship, then surely the victim can change something, thereby changing the relationship, and the abuse will magically disappear.

If we can only believe it is the relationship that is abusive, all anyone has to do is to dissolve the relationship, and the abuse will go away. Most people hold this hope or belief, and most of the social institutions we have empowered to respond to the needs of those who seek to secure or dissolve relationships between people, are designed with the expectation that if the relationship is terminated, the problem is alleviated. We have laws for all that; legal processes. Everyone understands this, and most everyone participates. Yet, abuse persists.

Ask almost every single female victim of domestic abuse who shares children with the person who abused her, if the abuse ended with the dissolution of the relationship. Interview a victim of stalking, and ask questions about safety, now that the relationship is over. Visit the archives at the Maine State Library and review domestic violence-related homicides over the past twenty or thirty years, with the purpose of understanding how ending an “abusive relationship” impacted the lives of adult and child victims in Maine. Many victims of abuse do end their relationships; yet, abuse persists.

Victims of domestic abuse and violence try everything they know to “make the relationship better.” They try to change themselves, from within the role and their place in the relationship, as a way to strengthen the relationship and reinforce positive connections to their partner. Perpetrators hold tightly to and rely upon the solidity and sanctity of the relationship and swear to work hard to keep the relationship intact.

The relationship may be at risk, but it is people’s lives that are destroyed by abuse. Those who experience abuse are hurt and killed, and those who choose to abuse, are hurting and killing their partners and their children; the people in their lives who they profess to love the most, in the name of relationship.

But it is not the relationship that is abusive, and changing the relationship will not end the abuse. My rose-colored glasses came off many years ago; yet, I still find myself using terminology that does not fit when I am attempting to strategize around ending domestic abuse. We need to think about what we say and what our words mean. We need to say it to each other and find different ways to say what is happening. What do you say, and how have you changed what you say? It matters. We want to hear it.

By Melody Fitch,
Co-Director, Advocacy Programs

(In last month’s FVP blog, Abuse Prevention Educator Lynne Dailey wrote about what it was like to grow up in an abusive home and about the effects of abuse on children. This month we have a companion piece, written by a man who recently completed Menswork, FVP’s batterers’ intervention educational program, about the changes he made to help his children grow up in a home free from abuse)

What does it take to be a miracle?

What does it take to make a miracle happen? What does it take to be part of the miracle when it does happen? Or better yet, what does it take to be a miracle?

For me, it took a lot, and it’s still taking a lot—but it’s so worth it. It’s work it to see the looks on my children’s faces when they see me for the first time after a long day’s work and I come home happy and glad to see them instead of yelling because the chores aren’t done. It’s worth it when my son says “Hey, Dad” every few minutes because he sees in me a friend instead of a dictator. It’s worth it. It’s very worth it.

For me, someone who was addicted to internet pornography and video games for 15 years, it took a lot but it has been and still remains worth it.

It took a protection order from my former wife on behalf of herself and our son to have no contact and no visitation for up to two years to get my attention.

I realized my selfish and controlling ways were bringing death to all of my relationships, especially those with my wife and children. I realized for the first time that it was my fault we argued, my fault we weren’t happy, my fault that my wife left me. I had awakened out of a deep slumber and was ready and willing to get the help I so desperately needed.  I stopped blaming others for my faults and sought to change myself, the only person I can change.

Because of the acts of violence I committed in 2010, I should have gone to jail, but for some reason, I didn’t. When I started coming to Menswork, I was afraid to admit that, because I thought to admit guilt would mean punishment instead of freedom. But now I know to admit the truth about one’s actions allows one to eventually become free, indeed. That to embrace them and be accountable for them, taking whatever consequences are due and accepting full responsibility is the only way to learn from the past and change.

Amy, the Menswork facilitator, would say part of this class is to help us men to become self-aware and that that is a step on the path toward being free from a life full of domestic violence.

The facilitators have taught me so much during the 48 weeks here at Menswork and I thank each and every one of them. They helped me be accountable and open myself to the possibilities and benefits of living a life free of the need to exercise power and control over other people’s lives.

The facilitators have also taught me that not only do I NOT have all the answers and that the only person’s actions I ought to control are mine, but that it is extremely exhausting trying to keep up with micro-managing everyone else’s activities. Power and control kills creativity, removes affection from your relationships, creates resentment, and on and on it goes until, in the end, it results in death for those who choose its destructive ways. When the abuser becomes so obsessed with power and control that he feels there is no other options than to end his victim’s life—this is the end result of someone who refuses to get help; someone he never thought he would become; someone we never want to become.

So, how do we ensure we never become that person? We separate ourselves from the need to exert power and control over others’ lives: We realize we are not entitled to make decisions for them. Remember the ladder of abuse: If you never climb the lower rungs (belittling, name-calling,etc.) you’ll never be able to reach high enough to grab onto the higher ones (yelling, hitting, strangling, etc.) that result in broken dreams, relationships, lives, marriages, families, and end in jail and death.

I hope in some small way that I have helped some of you, my friends at Menswork. None of us are perfect—that’s why we were here—but we can learn from each other and from the facilitators ways and tools to help us stop domestic violence in each of our lives. It’s about us, but it’s not about us…you know? It’s about us admitting we need to get help and it’s about our victims and the abusive acts we each committed, and realizing that the effects of our abuse may last a lifetime. Not for the purpose of feeling guilty, but for the purpose of remembering and avoiding any and all future occurrences of abuse. If we can clearly identify the consequences of our abuse, we can then have the desire to want things to change and work towards that end.

Let’s help one another become more accountable. Give one another a hand when appropriate to do so (no “rescuing”, though!).

When you see me out and about, don’t hesitate to come up to me and say “Hey” and ask me how things are going. I welcome that, because I’ll know it was because you had the guts to ask because you believe it’s worth it--no matter what it takes—to make, to be a part of, or even better, to BE the miracle someone needs in someone’s life today.

“Why didn’t they teach this when I was in school?”

As a Family Violence Project Prevention Educator, this is something I hear frequently when I present our school-based programs to men in our Batterers’ Intervention Program. What they leave unsaid is this:”…Maybe then I wouldn’t have ended up being arrested for domestic violence assault.”

Family Violence Project has provided local high schools with information and resources about dating violence in a program that has grown by leaps and bounds over the past 20 years . Why is this prevention work so important?

Unhealthy, abusive or violent relationships can cause short-term and long-term negative effects on developing teens.  Victims of teen dating violence are more likely to do poorly in school, attempt suicide and report binge drinking, They are also more likely to become victims or abusers.

Violence is a learned behavior and we know that some of these teens are witnessing domestic violence in their homes. Boys learn to believe they have the right to use violent behaviors, and young girls learn to believe that it’s just part of being a couple. What we teach them in our programs is that violence is never acceptable.

A presentation called Healthy Relationships-Teen Dating Abuse is offered to every high school in Somerset and Kennebec counties, and most have taken us up on our offer of this free information which, by the way, is part of the Maine Learning Results, required curriculum in the state of Maine.

“Thank you for coming in to teach us this information, I didn’t know that so many women were victims of abuse,”a teen from Messalonskee High. “Wow, now I know what to say and what NOT to say to my friend who is in an abusive relationship,” a teen from Winslow High. “It’s hard to imagine that some kids grow up in homes where there is an abusive parent,”a student from Waterville High. And, after watching a true story video clip about dating violence, a Maranacook HS senior girl wrote:

"That video completely explains/defines my life. THANK YOU!"

“Thank you for sharing your personal story. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

This is something I hear quite often . You see, I grew up in a home with domestic violence and I later became a victim of dating/domestic abuse. It took me years to even entertain the thought that I was a victim. Someone else having power and control over me seemed normal: It was ALWAYS my fault. I thought it was my behavior that had to change: “If only I didn’t”, “ I should have” ,”Maybe if”…..

I needed education and empowerment. I have said a million times,”I wish there were programs in my school when I was growing up.” It sounds eerily like what I hear from the men in the batterers’ program. Only I became a victim, and they became abusers.

“We are so thankful for the school based education that the Family Violence Project provides free of charge to Messalonskee High School. During the many years that the agency has provided free education to our school, we have had many students and faculty members recognize they are in abusive relationships. The Family Violence Project educator has followed up on countless cases at our school and has provided valuable resources for our people in crisis”. Messalonskee Health Teacher.

So, if abuse prevention education is so vital to the future of our kids, why wait till high school to talk to kids about violence?

Good question. FVP has developed several age appropriate prevention programs over the last 10 years. In fact, a number of teachers told us that by the time kids got to first grade, it was almost too late: The kids had already been exposed to so much violence in the media and/or at home, that it was difficult to counteract those messages.

So, we developed Bear Thoughts, a program on sharing and feelings, provided to pre-school age kids followed up by Frog Thoughts, which is presented in Kindergarten and helps kids to understand diversity and acceptance.

Hands Are Not For Hitting, presented to grades 1-3, speaks to the younger kids about anger and their choice of behaviors. Respectful Connections, for grades 4-6 helps the kids think about the types of friendships they would like to have. It explains the importance of empathy and what to do if a friend or peer says or does something that makes you uncomfortable and offends you. This program helps kids identify their feelings and communicate them in a healthy non-violent way.

“After the presentation of Respectful Connections, students are better able to identify their feelings and express them by using “I” statements which encourages less of the blame game and finger pointing and allows the students to get to the real issues and get them solved. My students use the tools to become independent problem solvers”, Grade 4 teacher, Benton.

Connecting to Me is a program presented to middle school students about self esteem and how it affects their decisions especially in regard to relationships.

“The "Connecting to Me" program addresses topics that are very appropriate in meeting the needs of today's junior high student. Today's students are challenged by dysfunctional parenting and media messages, resulting in a variety of emotional and social issues. Many students lack positive self esteem, due to lack of parental praise and support. This is demonstrated by the students' lack of coping skills, decision making skills, communication skills, resistance skills, conflict resolution, and an inability to recognize and maintain a healthy relationship. This program enhances my curriculum by supporting all these skills. One exceptional lesson in this program is the activity on warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. It provides the students with the skills to recognize early signs of relationship abuse, such as the controlling, the jealousy and the possessiveness. This is critical for many students who have an unhealthy perception of healthy relationships, perhaps due to what is modeled at home, or the messages the media sends. Another piece of the program is an important activity focusing on affirmations, assertiveness, and healthy characteristics of relationships. Students have commented to me how much they learned, stating the revelations in their own personal lives.” Waterville Jr. High, Living Skills teacher

So, while you are getting your kids ready to go back to school, you might want to consider a homework assignment for yourself. Ask them if they’ve had any of the Family Violence Project programs in their classrooms. If they haven’t, call their schools and let them know that Family Violence Project offers these programs free of charge to all Kennebec and Somerset county schools. We know from over 20 years’ experience in the classroom and over 30 years assisting victims of domestic violence, that an ounce of prevention can be worth a ton of cure!

By Lynne Dailey, Abuse Prevention Educator

“Salutations….”

This is how the spider, Charlotte, the heroine of E.B. White’s beloved children’s book Charlotte’s Web, introduces herself to Wilbur, the pig. (She goes on to explain to a bewildered Wilbur that “…salutations are greetings” and merely her “…fancy way of saying hello.”)

I’ve chosen Charlotte’s words to open our fourth blog entry because a.)Charlotte’s Web is my all-time favorite book; b.) E.B. White loved Maine and made his home here for much of his life and; c.) Charlotte’s Web is a wonderful object lesson about what is possible when members of a community work together to achieve a common goal.

Wilbur was a runt piglet who was saved from the axe by a little girl named Fern. When he got too old to be bottle fed, he went to live in the barn of Fern’s uncle, Homer Zuckerman, which is where he met Charlotte. He also met Templeton the rat; the goose; the gander; the goslings; the sheep, and other assorted barn residents, all of whom would eventually be involved in a coordinated community response to keep Wilbur from being slaughtered for bacon.

Each of the denizens of Zuckerman’s barn had a role to play in this intervention—the remarkable Charlotte, of course, who spun the webs that incorporated such words as “some pig”, “terrific,” “radiant,” and “humble”, that convinced Zuckerman that his pig was something extraordinary; the ornery Templeton, who in his forays to the dump returned with bits of print media that included the words to inspire Charlotte; the goose that laid the rotten egg that played a pivotal role in keeping Charlotte alive to spin those words; and the sheep that convinced the rat to pull his weight in this effort. Wilbur would not have gone on to live a secure and safe life unless all members of his little community had worked together to assure his safety.

The vision of Family Violence Project is a community where violence is unacceptable and people treat each other with respect. All of us here at FVP are working toward that end, but we know that it will be impossible to achieve without the help of each and every resident of the community. The responsibility for the security and safety of our neighbors lies with us.

There are many ways to shoulder this responsibility. Often, it doesn’t take a huge amount of time or effort, and the results can, indeed, be lifesaving. Take a moment to look over the following suggestions, and then check out our website, www.familyviolenceproject.org for more ideas:

• Volunteer at the Family Violence Project: We offer a 36-hour training, 2 or 3 times a year, that will prepare you to answer the help line, facilitate a support group, work with children, or work as a court advocate
• Contribute money, household items, or services to FVP: We are always grateful for the generous financial contributions from community members. Our shelters and the families we serve are often in need of new or gently used household items, as well.
• Display information about FVP and domestic abuse in your workplace, house of worship, library, or other community meeting place: We will be happy to supply you with posters, brochures, and other materials.
• Reach out to someone you are concerned about: If you have a family member, friend, neighbor or co-worker who you think might be experiencing domestic abuse, you can let them know about your concern and offer them information about Family Violence Project. The most important thing you can do is to listen, believe, and offer support to the victim.
• Help to hold abusers accountable by speaking out: If you see or hear a battering incident occurring, call 911 to involve law enforcement. When you see or hear signs of sexism, racism, homophobia or ageism, talk to the person exhibiting the behaviors, if it is safe for you to do so. Let them know that you don’t appreciate that kind of behavior or those kinds of remarks.
• If you are a man, join other men in helping to end men’s violence against women: While we know that most men are not abusers, we know that some traditional roles of masculinity contribute to abuse. We are looking for men to look to long term solutions and help us create a violence-free community.
• Seek support for yourself: Our advocates are trained and prepared to speak to anyone about their own situations or the situation of another. Call our help line at 623-3569 or toll free at 1-877-890-7788.

In E.B. White’s penultimate paragraph, we find out that the coordinated community response assured that Wilbur was protected for the “…rest of his days. Life in the barn was very good…night and day, winter and summer, spring and fall, dull days and bright days. It was the best place to be…”

So, take a very simple lesson from a spider and a pig, and their friends: Every single one of us has something to contribute to making our community a safe and secure place in which to live. All of us, working together, will make this happen.

I would welcome your ideas or suggestions, and, of course, your willingness to work with FVP to insure an end to domestic violence in our community: Then it truly will be “the best place to be” for all of us.

Deborah K. Shepherd, Executive Director

Father’s Day (day belonging to father) can be viewed from multiple perspectives depending on your experience with the man who was your father. It can be a holiday filled with happiness and precious memories, or it can be a reminder of violence, emotional hurts, and the missed opportunity for a loving connection with the man pop-culture commonly refers to as “our dear old dad”. In the field of Domestic Violence Response and Prevention, victims and family members will often say of a perpetrator, “But he is such a good dad.” This will be said within the very same sentence that described his horrific acts of violence perpetrated on his family.

Do we expect so little of men in America that changing a diaper, or taking a child to McDonald’s can outweigh the consequences of very bad behavior?

The answer to that question is written under the police blotter section of our newspapers each day. The answer is “Yes”: We expect far too little from men in America. As a culture, our expectations are still shaped by gender. We raise our sons and daughters to believe the following gender based accountability dodging statement, of “Oh well, boys will be boys.”

As a man who grew up in central Maine, I can tell you first hand, boys will be whatever we expect them to be. The statement, “Boys will be boys” amounts to a moral anesthesia, intended so we can avoid looking too closely at the bigger picture of boys’ behavior in America. So, who then is teaching boys what it means to be a man in America?

The answer is found all around us, within our peer groups. One of the most influential places boys learn to be men is in school, and their “teachers” are those peers who have learned at a young age to “fit in”, they make up the popular crowd. In my school, they were the models of mainstream cultural values. What this “in crowd” role-modeled and taught were the tenets of everyone’s social acceptance, as revered as the words of God in the Bible, Torah or Quran. I learned more about “the man I was supposed to be” from those peers growing up than from any textbook. You were a man if you could take a punch without flinching or crying; you were a man if you could give a punch and make someone flinch or cry. You were a man if you could verbally demean and emotionally castrate other males. You were a man if you could have sex with the attractive girls in school without falling in love with them. You were a man if you boasted to other guys about your sexual exploits with no regard for the girl’s value or reputation. You were a man if you excelled in sports, and finally, you were a man if you could consume large amounts of alcohol without puking. As I look back now, I am thankful for a few good male role models along the way who demonstrated a masculinity of respect.

I am now the Director of a Certified Batterer’s Intervention Program in central Maine, and I can attest that these cultural definitions of masculinity have not changed in the 24 years since my high school days. In my job, I hear men’s own stories of their violence week after week, and I can tell you that the level of physical violence and disregard of basic human rights of women is on the rise here in Maine.

The violence is always preceded by power and control strategies. Men who use violence on partners and family begin by first “objectifying” their victims and dehumanizing them. To understand the idea of objectification, think about the simple game of dodgeball which is learned at a young age in school. When you are in the position of throwing down on the opposing team, you zero in on one person at a time; they become the object you intend to hit with your ball. You are throwing the ball as hard as possible, focused not on who they are, or even what their individual values and strengths are, rather they have become just a target to you in this game. Objectification in an intimate relationship is very similar because it strips away personhood, and alienates a victim, and is motivated by a “better than”, or “entitled” mentality which is sometimes called male privilege.

Being “a man” means growing up knowing how to escape being held accountable for inappropriate actions. Boys learn that if you do not want to be held accountable by another person for your actions, you quickly demean them, call them crazy, a pussy, a girl, a baby, psycho, nuts. This elevates you and allows you to shield yourself from the reality of your actions. I challenge you to go into public schools on any day and you will hear this string of put-downs between boys on a daily basis, from grade school all the way through high school.

Ask yourself this question: “What is my definition of being a man”? Does it include rejecting the expression of emotions that are commonly labeled “feminine”, with clear statements to boys like “Stop being a girl and quit your crying”. If being a man means cannibalizing the emotional self, then what is the end result for America’s children? Clarence Kelland, a world famous American author between the 1920’s and 1950’s wrote this; “My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” As fathers in America, what are we teaching our sons and daughters who are always watching what we say and do? Are we showing our sons and daughters how to be emotionally connected, healthy and loving? Are we showing our sons and daughters how to recognize emotionally connected, healthy and loving future partners? As fathers, we must not shirk our important nurturing responsibilities, for if we do, we are pledging our daughters to those who will objectify and abuse them, and we are sending our sons in pursuit of an emotionally disconnected form of masculinity.

Father’s Day 2012 can be a turning point, when you have an opportunity to look squarely in the mirror at how you have defined masculinity for your children. Be mindful of the undeniable influence you have on them for good or bad. Be motivated to build up the places you may be lacking, to be equally involved in your child’s parenting, and to become fluent in the expression of your emotions. Be motivated to become more respectful of others, to eradicate the objectification of women from your speech and action. Become encouraging and supportive of your co-parent, and increase your child’s self esteem by listening to their stories. Only then will your children have a chance at a life that is free from abuse, only then will you deserve the honor of being called a “good dad”.

Jon Heath
Director, Menswork

You know what’s the hardest part of working in a domestic violence program?

It’s not the horrific stories of what human beings do to one another (although every time you think you’ve heard it all, there’s something new that shocks and demoralizes you); it’s not the middle-of- the-night call that wakes you up on your helpline shift (although it’s impossible to get back to sleep); it’s not even the fear you have for victims’ safety (although that’s ever-present). It’s not what most people think of when they say: “I could never do what you do” or “You’re such a saint for doing that work.”

The hardest part of this job is saying “No.”

Obviously, we want everyone to be saying NO to domestic violence, but saying NO to a victim of domestic violence?

No, I’m sorry, even though he’s beaten you up and you and your kids are living in your car, we have no room in our shelter because all our beds are occupied by other women and kids who are in the same awful situation that you are?

That’s a whole other story, and it’s heartbreaking.

When victims call our helpline, we present options and work on safety planning. There is no one-size-fits-all plan-- everyone’s situation is different. When the plan includes leaving, we explore sheltering/housing options: Are you in immediate danger? Can you safely stay with friends or family? Would a domestic violence shelter be the best option? If so, do we have room? If not, are there other domestic violence shelters with vacancies? If not, is there room in a local (or not-so-local) homeless shelter? (Note: While we provide services to male and female victims, our shelters are available only to women and their children).

Since 2008, helpline calls have risen 30%; our state funding, however, has remained flat, effectively equaling a funding cut. All around us, services have been decimated. Towns are cutting General Assistance; people in need are being dropped from MaineCare; TANF is being strictly time-limited; there are virtually no volunteer lawyers available to help with family matters; Section 8 housing vouchers are minimal; there is a dearth of affordable housing; and funding has been cut to child care providers. The safety net that is meant to protect us, our loved ones and our neighbors is being hacked away, leaving huge gaps. We’ve been getting many calls lately from people who would be better served by other service providers, but these providers are in crisis mode themselves and must turn people away.

And let’s talk about shelters: We have two, with 16 beds in Kennebec County and 11 in Somerset County. In 2011, 162 people called requesting shelter. We sheltered 83 of them and referred 79 others to other domestic violence shelters or homeless shelters or helped them figure out alternatives. Because of the lack of Section 8 vouchers and almost no affordable housing units in our area, stays in our shelters have gotten longer. Once, vouchers could be had in a matter of days or weeks. The waiting period has now stretched into months and victims remain in shelter. Are we going to put someone out on the street, where her only alternative is to return to the abuser? I think not. The end result is that these emergency beds are not available to other women in immediate danger.

This July, our Somerset shelter will become the site of a unique program--a domestic violence shelter that supports sobriety for victims who also struggle with substance abuse. Given Maine’s high rates of addictions and the number of women we’ve seen with this issue, this seem a natural extension of our work (and, had we not received federal funding for this particular program, we would have had to close that shelter). Our hopes are that this program will help women transition to a life free of violence and free of addictions, as well.

But this leaves us with only one “regular” emergency shelter for victims of domestic violence: That means 16 available beds, not 27.

That means a lot more saying “No” to victims in need of shelter. It means a lot more women and kids sleeping in their cars (if they have cars) or a lot more victims who stay in potentially lethal situations at home because there seem to be no alternatives.

None of us who work with victims of domestic violence needs a middle-of-the-night helpline call to wake us up.

A lot of us aren’t sleeping a whole lot, anyway.

A blog by Deborah Shepherd, Executive Director

Dear Friends of FVP—

This year we launched our new website and a Family Violence Project Facebook page, an email blast called Constant Contact, and now, with the introduction of our blog, it feels like we are finally entering the 21st century, technologically speaking.

But when I listen to the radio, turn on the TV, or read the papers (yes, I still like to hold a newspaper in my hands, 21st century technology or not), I really do wonder what century we are in: Really? It’s 2012 and women can’t be trusted to make their own family planning decisions? Really, it’s 2012 and women who speak their minds and stand up for their principles are still labeled “sluts” and worse? Really, it’s 2012 and victims of domestic abuse are still being blamed for that abuse? Really, it’s 2012 and men who are arrested for domestic violence offenses still get a slap on the wrist and are released from jail within hours of their arrest, even if they’ve kicked, punched and even strangled their partners? Really, it’s 2012 and people are still asking “Why doesn’t she leave?” instead of “What gives him the right to treat her that way?” Really, it’s 2012 and our communities are STILL experiencing domestic violence (you’d think after all these millennia, we’d have figured this out).

This morning, one of the women who came to us for assistance said to me, “Everyone here has been so helpful to me. I’ve been trying to leave an abusive relationship for three years and, coming here, I was finally able to leave. And now my children will be able to grow up in a house where someone isn’t yelling at their mother or calling her names, or smacking her all the time. You really should have a sign on your door saying ‘Family Violence Project: Empowering Women since 1700.’”

Well, sometimes it feels like that long…As I said, the problem’s been around for millennia….

I didn’t know the woman’s name; I just ran into her outside the Family Violence Project office as she was leaving and I was coming in from a meeting. When I reported her remark to our helpline advocate, who had been working with her all morning, the advocate said “Oh, yes, a lot of us have been working with her for weeks to help her safety plan, so she could finally leave. She and the kids are going into shelter this afternoon.”

When I heard her name, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I had been on an afterhours helpline shift weeks before, when she made her first phone call to FVP. At the time, she wasn’t ready to make any moves, she just needed to tell someone her story. And all I could do was listen, and offer what I hoped were some helpful options. The abuse she was enduring had gone on for years, and she sounded so beaten down (both literally and figuratively), and it was complicated (as are all our lives, but especially the lives of victims of abuse who often have been cut off from any support of friends and family). We did some preliminary safety planning: It was pretty rudimentary, and when she thanked me for helping her and we hung up, I really didn’t feel like I had been helpful at all. Her situation sounded just awful, and I didn’t know if she would ever be able to get out of there.

Most staff members (and many volunteers, thank goodness) take rotating shifts on our helpline. We answer the phone, try to be helpful to our callers, and, unless we are advocates who take regular, daytime shifts on the helpline, don’t usually know how things play out. Today was different, though, thanks to a chance meeting in our parking lot. I went into my office, closed my door, and cried with relief.

And maybe that’s why, despite the horrific abuse that continues to be perpetrated out there, I’m still optimistic. For one thing, we are inspired every day by survivors of domestic abuse, people who often come to us with nothing but the clothes on their backs, their hope and their courage: the hope that they can make a better life for themselves and their children, and the courage to take that very first step, whatever that step is. Sometimes the step is to leave an abusive situation, but often, it’s not. Sometimes the step is the sudden realization that they do not deserve to be abused and the determination to live their lives, not the lives dictated by an abuser. Sometimes the step is to pick up the phone and tell their story for the very first time—truly a giant step!

If you would like to know what you can do to help end abuse in your community, please go to our website, www.familyviolenceproject.org . It will take a community to end domestic violence—and just by reading this blog, you’ve started to do your part. Stay tuned for future blogs and, of course, we always welcome your feedback.

Thanks!