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A
Few Statistics
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Nearly
one-third of American women report being
physically or sexually abused by a husband
or boyfriend at some point in their
lives (The Commonwealth Fund, Health
Concerns Across a Women's Lifespan:
1998 Survey of Women's Health, May 1999)
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Approximately
50% of the homicides in Maine are domestic
abuse related (Maine Department of Public
Safety
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The
Family Violence Project received 5,479
hotline calls in fiscal year 2008 and
served 1,754 individuals
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Power
and Control
Abuse
is a pattern of coercive behavior (physical, sexual,
verbal, emotional, financial, spiritual, etc.)
used by one person to control another's
actions and feelings. One way to think of these
behaviors is as tactics, actions which are chosen
and planned. An abuser is not
"out of control" - the abuser is trying
to control the victim.
The
Power and Control Wheel below, developed by the
Minnesota Domestic Violence Intervention Project,
illustrates many of the behaviors that occur in
an abusive relationship.
Many
victims who are in or who have been in physically,
emotionally, or verbally abusive relationships
agree that the most debilitating long-term effects
come from . Emotional abuse is
described as more painful, harder to recognize,
and very often not thought of as "real abuse."
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Myths
About the Causes of Abuse
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The Myth: An Abuser...
- Is
"out of control"
- Has
a drinking or drug problem
- Has
poor anger control
- Is
just under stress
- Has
low self-esteem
- Was
provoked by the victim
KNOW
THE
EXCUSES
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The Truth: An Abuser...
- Chooses
who, when and where to abuse
- Who
is under the influence continues to make
choices about who, when, and where abuse
happens
- Is
able to control anger on the job, with
friends, in court, or when dealing with
police
- Chooses
to deal with stress through violence
- Does
not differ from non-abusers in level of
self-esteem
- Is
never justified in abusing someone
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Why
Do Victims Stay? What Are the Barriers to Leaving?
FEAR...
Of being killed, of the abuser committing suicide,
of not being believed about the abuse, of being stalked
by the abuser, of placing their kids at risk via unsupervised
visitation with the abuser - note that 75% of domestic
violence homicides occur during or after the victim
has left the abuser
ISOLATION...
By the abuser often results in a lack of a support
system for the victim including helpful friends or
family members, a job or money, transportation, childcare,
housing, and social services
ECONOMIC REALITY... May
be that a victim is not able to support her/himself
and the children without the abuser's income, may
not possess marketable skills, may have limited access
to government assistance, may dread welfare, and due
to an abuser's control of money may have no access
to cash, checks, or important documents
CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES... Of living in a home
where abuse was perpetrated by one parent against
the other may leave a victim feeling that abuse is
unavoidable in relationships, or that it is okay to
abuse people you love when they have done something
wrong
BELIEFS ABOUT THE ABUSER... Often include strong
feelings of love and emotional connection, as well
as the belief that the abuser is all-powerful and
will be able to find the victim anywhere, or due to
compassion or pity a victim may feel that s/he is
the only one who can help the abuser overcome problems
BELIEFS
ABOUT THEMSELF... Over time include an acceptance
of responsibility for the problems in a relationship,
due to repeated blame placed on a victim by the abuser,
as well as low self-esteem due to repeated acts of
abuse and a feeling that abusive behavior is all the
victim deserves
What
are the Indicators for Domestic Abuse? Are You Worried
about Your Own or Someone Else's
Relationship?
RED
FLAGS FOR ABUSE: DOES YOUR PARTNER...
- Make
you feel like you never do anything right, that
nothing is ever good enough?
- Try
to make you feel like you are "crazy" or that you
are "imagining things"?
- Withdraw
into silence, and you have to figure out what you've
done wrong and apologize for it?
- Threaten
to leave you frequently?
- Go
out on his/her own if s/he wants to, but you can't
because the kids become your responsibility?
- Spend
money on whatever s/he wants and then gets made
at you when there is none left for things like the
bills or groceries?
- Not
like it when you spend time with friends or family,
acting jealous of time you spend with anyone besides
him/her?
- Call
you names?
- Constantly
criticize your parenting and threatening to take
the childrenif you leave?
- Block
the door so you won't leave during an argument?
- Force
you to have sex when you don't want to?
- Threaten
to hurt you or someone you care about?
- Shove,
hit, punch, kick, choke, or beat you?
(from
the book When Love Goes Wrong by Susan Schecter
& Ann Jones)
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